TO ALBENA

Dear Tori,

I know it was only last night that I wrote a blog. I mentioned in my last post how emotionally attached I have become to my students. Today, a special student of mine in the 4th grade passed away. It was the most painful thing I have felt in a long time. So sudden. I cannot describe the feelings that I had when I heard the news from one of my counterparts. I immediately fled the school and went to my apartment. Being emotional in front of my colleagues is something that I still am not used to. I had 30 minutes to let everything out since I still had classes to teach. After that initial shock, I had to get through a teacher's meeting and 4 more classes. I couldn't wait to get out of school.

She was a quiet and shy student who always tried her best. She was always the first one up when we sang or danced in class. She loved to get her picture taken....so many in fact that I can make a whole album out of it. So many questions are going through my head. So many "coulds." I could have taught her more, or I could have not yelled at her the time she was talking in class, or I could have given her a sticker that one time even though she didn't bring her homework, or I could have given her back her Halloween mask that she left with me after the disco. It hurts my heart thinking about the 2 years that we had together. But I know that no amount of questions and tears can fix this problem. The bond between a teacher and their pupil is something that I now will cherish more. Every single interaction, no matter how small or how big, brings you even closer to that student.

Today was the first day I felt the impact that these kids have had on me. I thought I wouldn't realize this until I was back in the states, missing my students. It will take me a while to get over this tragedy that I hope no other volunteer goes through. I put on a brave face for most of the day today, almost losing it at certain moments when I saw other children running around in the hallways, knowing that I will never hear her greet me or offer me some of her food. We will never switch and wear each others' glasses and make weird faces to each other. She was supposed to be in my choir this year you know. I saw a talent in her, that she herself didn't see. I would have loved to bring that out of her....instead she brought out of me realizations, and in a way, a renewed sense of drive. Live every class to the fullest. Take chances in the little time that I have left here. So to you Albena....тиха, хубава, прятна. I wish I could have said goodbye. So when I'm singing on that stage in Vratsa on Friday, I hope that you are listening to me (I know you will because you always did) because I am singing a song for you, and only for you. Ще ми липваш много....Bananas UNITE! - Love Mister.