AZ OTKAZVAM....HOPEFULLY.

Dear Tori,

I can't even fathom the fact that yes, I finally get to see my family and friends in a week. After 2 years and 4 months in Bulgaria, I will get to step onto American soil. And like Cory Olson, I will probably weep publicly when I get to San Francisco. I have so many things to share, say, do, eat, etc. And then I got to thinking....much like I have family and friends back home, I have a family here in Bulgaria, and have made lifelong best friends with volunteers and Bulgarians alike. Leaving them is like leaving the real thing. I've lost contact with many of my friends and distant family relatives since I've been here, and normalcy has kicked in for me....being a volunteer here is normal. It is what I know. I don't even consider myself a volunteer any longer. Leaving this life is a lot harder than it was leaving my life 2 years ago. Anyways, it's only for 3 weeks and I will probably miss everything about my life here, even though so many things about it right now are annoying me. But then again, this is me talking pre-vacation. Shte vidim.

Tomorrow is the last round that I will be participating in for X Factor. The decision I made was not an easy one and I did not make it spontaneously. Things happen for a reason, and I really do think that all that has happened with X Factor for me will culminate into something much larger, something much more important. I already found out, during those grueling, tiring hours of filming, singing, and dancing that it is not what I wanted. Having cameras in front of your face 24/7 and having that pressure to be the perfect contestant was not for me. I realized this later in the bootcamp round. I slipped this summer. I feel selfish for doing this, and not being around for most of this summer with my students. I thought I would have fun participating, and it was for a little bit. I'm glad I found out something about myself. No matter how loud I am, how outgoing and extroverted I am, being on T.V. and being a "star" is not for me. I just want to sing. And during my participation in this, I forgot how to enjoy singing. Sure, "just wanting to sing" is something that exists in a perfect world. But the world isn't a utopia and there is a package that comes with everything. Rationalizing this situation is something I do most of the time, and part of it is thinking that hey, I helped my community by putting Bregovo on T.V. I made my kids and friends proud. But because of what has happened with producers, myself, contracts, vacation changes, etc, I can't help but think only the negatives that this experience has given me.

The next round honestly scares me. As I type right now, my heart is beating fast. They know I am leaving the show, and I don't know if I have enough courage to stick up for myself if I am asked to do such a scenario that harms my integrity and/or talent. I am scared of being questioned, judged, and pressured. I believe I made the right decision to stay with Peace Corps, students, friends, volunteers. I am scared that other contestants will see me negatively because I have made this decision. The dream was in my head, but this whole PC experience is still strongly in my heart. Wish me luck in the next 5 days. Cuz I haven't had any for the passed 2 months.