X Factor in Bregovo.

Dear Tori,

X Factor just finished filming in Bregovo. I have so much to say, and I will try to keep this blog as clean as possible (language-wise).

First of all, OH MY GOD. X Factor just told me 2 days ago that they were coming here to film how my life is like in Bulgaria. Um, talk about last minute. Yeah. Thank heavens for FACEBOOK. Since I am facebook friends with almost all of my students, I posted a public status saying that X Factor will be coming and if you want to be on TV, come to the school at 10. I immediately called my counterpart and she told the school who then got the cleaners to clean the school and to prepare the rooms that we were possibly going to film in. Anyways, I was more nervous about having to clean my apartment and having it be filmed on TV than me being on TV. So when I got home after the regional VAC meeting, I went to town in my apartment. Spotless. As you know, not all peace corps volunteers in Bulgaria have working toilets, tiled floors, and air conditioners. So I bleached my toilet and my sink and my floors to try to make it look as clean as possible. I know, I am crazy when it comes to cleaning.

This morning, I woke up with my heart beating fast. I was dreading the day already. I don't like to be filmed. And I was scared that none of the kids will show up. I get up and bake cupcakes for the X Factor producers and film crew. I know, I am a crazy manic OCD perfectionist. I don't even eat and take all the things I need for games with the kids. And then, I realized....I had an english class today....OOOKKKKAAAYYYYY. All of the last minute stress made me forget about my adult english classes. I get to the school and thank god kids were there. And my english students were there....and I told them about X Factor and blah blah blah. ANyways, X Factor comes. OH SHOOT. They start filming me in the center, walking around aimlessly....greeting people, sitting on a bench, talking to a baba, looking up at the communist statue that's in the center....etc. We get to the school and they film me walking the empty hallways....and we get to the kids. They film me teaching for 5 minutes, talking with the kids, playing jumprope with them, and then the interviews came.

There were moments when I was listening to my students, my colleagues, and my counterpart....that made me want to cry. Jesus. In my experience as a teacher here in Bulgaria, students rarely verbally acknowledge how much they appreciate you. And I heard it for the first time today....from them. After 2 years of searching for some sort of affirmation, I got it today. The simple "He is a good teacher and a good friend" made my service. They gave me hugs on camera and wished me good luck. After that, my colleague talked about how I "won" the first Bulgarian spelling bee....I told them that it was not a big deal!!! Because it WASN'T. And I jsut realized that that will be on TV. A 2nd grader could have won that spelling bee....and plus, it was all a joke. Anyways, tangent. So, my counterpart got on camera. Gurl, I was almost going to lose it. She retold when she first saw me, and how disappointed I was that I was alone in the corner of Bulgaria, and soo far away from the rest of the volunteers. And then she said "Go and have fun." I was almost going to lose it....because I know deep inside, in the back of her mind, I would have to make a decision to leave or not. We both understand each other in this way. We know what each other is thinking when it comes to things like this. We both don't want to know the answer, so we wait last minute to ask each other how we feel. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but I don't know any other way to explain it in my current frenzied state of mind right now. Anways, it was a day of affirmations. It was good.

These interviews that I listened to today....from my students, colleagues, and counterpart....is making it harder for me to make a decision. If I am not able to continue my service, where does that leave my students and everyone else here in Bregovo? How can I get up and leave after I heard all those things today? Do I go after a dream that I once had, or do I stay here to finish my commitment to serve? The X Factor crew loved the life that I was living here...they got to see what I wanted them to see....the students, the people, and the town....how wonderful they are, how hospitable they are, how beautiful the school is and how smart my students were. And now, all of Bulgaria will see this. In all honesty, I am doing this more for my community than for myself. I'm more excited about my students and colleagues being on TV than I am about myself. I am treating this like a project for Bregovo.

I will be continuing on in the next stage of the competition next week....which is also the Bregovo town celebration. The fact that I am missing next Friday night in Bregovo is eating at my heart. This celebration is so important to me, and it is the one thing that I wait for every year. I'll try my best to beg the producers to let me go first. I doubt it. Anyways, i'll update again next week about how the next rounds go, but until then, I am glad to have my life again without filming, stressing, and interviews. :)