X Factor

Dear Tori,

I know I haven't written a blog in a long time and I have so much to write about. But I have to write about what happened today.

There was a time back when I was in high school, when I had dreams. There was a time when music and singing was all I could think about. But life happened and I thought that my time had passed for this "dream to come true." I feel so extremely gross after writing the aforementioned sentence. Anyways, today I had my big audition for X Factor Bulgaria. I had already gone through the first couple of rounds in Pleven where I first tried out. I thought of this as just another added experience to my Peace Corps service. It turned out that I got passed that and went to the round in Sofia. It was today. I couldn't even begin to tell you how fast my heart was beating. I swear it was a workout.

I got to Sofia last night, closed off, hence sleeping in the mansion's nook on the third floor. I did not get an ounce of sleep, but what else is new? I "woke up" and made my way to the metro stop where a very nice friend met me to show me where Zala Festivalna was. I'm so grateful because I have the worst sense of direction. We get there and after 3956675 interviews, I find myself backstage with my heart beating a million miles a minute. Before I move on, I just want to address the amazing and supportive currently serving, and recently COSed Peace Corps volunteers who made their way to the place to support me. It meant a lot to me to have people there and to have people vent to about how nervous I was. I was backstage waiting for my turn. All of a sudden, it was my turn....after some pretty amazing singers. As nervous as I was, I had a split second reflection on what I had wanted for myself when I was a teenager. It was actually happening. This is my opportunity. I walked on that stage and stood on the "X." I flashed a smile at the judges and they all smiled back, except for the Bulgarian Simon Cowell. They asked questions and I answered in my nervous and always broken Bulgarian. I threw my village in there because really, I would not have been there if it wasn't for them and their support. I mentioned I was singing a Bulgarian song and they impatiently asked me to sing it....acappella, because I could not find an instrumental version of it. I sang. I saw people stand up. Clap. Cheer. I got in the mood to perform. It was overwhelming. Too much. I couldn't think. After that, the judges commented. Good comments! I had no other answers but "mersi" or "Blagodaria" or "Mersi mnogo" or "dobre, mersi." A judge got up to shake my hand. Out of control. Way too much. I tried to hold back tears. I look up and see Kay and Tyler crying. I almost cried, but found enough UMPH in my body to fight them back. I thought about my "dream" and what it meant to me back then, and how it was starting to mean something again at that moment. How wonderful was it to have life happen here in Bulgaria? This was actually happening. I sang a second song. Again the same reactions. After that, I felt extremely selfish. All I wanted was all my students to be there with me. To have them feel this emotion. To all my students who have dreams....I wanted them there, to somehow Professor X all these wonderful emotions I had at that moment....to transfer it to them. But all I could do was to say that my songs were dedicated to them. I was humbled and proud at the same time. I say my thank yous to the judges and the crowd and come to a tearful room of peace corps friends. A whole bunch of filming and interviews began again, and after some beers and talks, I now find myself back in the mansion nook taking in all the emotions as they finally settle in.

Part of why I did this whole X Factor thing was to put my village on the map, to let people know how great it is and how hospitable they are over there. I also wanted to be a role model for anyone in the village who has something that they want to do, that they can do it, just like me....a person from Bregovo. I now find myself making one of the hardest decisions I ever have to make....to continue my third year extension as a volunteer or not. I love my kids, and I love my village and I love everyone there. How can I give it up for something so special for something that someone else wants more than me? One year can make a difference in any of my kids' lives. My mere presence gives them the drive to learn. How can I be so selfish to take this opportunity, no matter how good it is, to better my ego, my own future, when I can be helping someone else? Moving on in this competition is good. But there is a big BUT. 4 yeses, standing ovations, compliments, and the first autograph I have ever signed were all wonderful. At this point, I have my hand up in the air. I have no idea what to do. Emotionally draining to think about it even.

I called my counterpart and she had no doubt in me. She said how proud she was and that I made her proud as well as any other Bregovian. Such simple words, but with so much meaning and intent. I would be letting them down if I made this decision....